Confessions of a High School Dropout
An online student needs to find it within themselves to show up.
Traditional schooling is not for everyone, and that’s okay. Our education system in America is archaic and needs revision, but since that never happened for me, I left. I left high school to do online school, and it was single-handedly the best decision I’ve ever made in my life. To explain why school doesn’t work for everyone, let me share my experience. This article will delve into themes of suicide, depression, and social anxiety, so if you are sensitive to that please click away.
In middle school, I was a pretty outgoing kid. I made lots of friends and, although I was somewhat shy, it didn’t limit me to the point that it was an issue. I had an amazing group of people that I talked to. They were the type of people to have a depth to their personality. I had formed a close bond with this group. All of that disappeared when I entered my freshman year of high school.
Only one of my friends went to the same high school as I did. Luckily it was my best friend, yet still, I was severely lonely. High school tested me in ways that I did not see coming. It made me come face to face with my demons, demons that I didn’t know I had.
Remember how I said I was shy? Yeah… well when I entered high school, I became more than shy. Only in recent years, through months of therapy and medicine, did I realize that I was never “normal.”
I wanted to die in 5th grade. There was no particular reason. Nothing that was bad enough to make me want to end my life. I had a privileged life, two happily married parents who loved me, friends. I had everything that an eleven-year-old would need. So why was I so depressed at times?
My shyness was not limited to strangers. I was shy around my family but in a different way. I was afraid of being vulnerable. I didn’t want to show my feelings for fear of being told I’m wrong.
That was my first mistake.
You see… because of the Internet, there’s a wealth of knowledge out in the world. I was privy to mental illness through people talking and writing about it on the internet. I wanted to ask for help, but I was afraid my feelings would be invalidated.
This mindset plagued me for years and years. Perhaps my pain could have been avoided if I just asked for help. Nevertheless, I cannot change the past, nor would I, because the pain has taught me many things.
So I lived with this fear of voicing my feelings for much too long. High school made me look at it in the eye. This time, however, it wasn’t just a chemical imbalance in my body that made me depressed. With severe social anxiety, I never made any friends. I had a crisis of faith, which led to me becoming agnostic. I had a chemical imbalance that made me miserable. I had to wake up at 5:30 AM every day, which my body never got used to no matter how much sleep I got. It led to me always being tired.
Additionally, school also went against my own temperament. I was extremely introverted, so being around people for 7 hours was exhausting. I was quiet, so my teachers rarely paid attention to me (except for some). I always compared myself to people who were laughing and talking and getting good grades. Meanwhile, I couldn’t find the will to get out of bed, much less complete my homework. I felt as if this system that was supposed to prepare me for life, has sucked out any will to live.
It all boiled over. I made one desperate plea to be heard. I wrote a note to my parents about everything I had been feeling and left it on their bed. This was my final gambit. My hand outstretched from a stormy sea of self-loathing and misery. Hoping for someone to pull me out from the waves going over my head.
Gasping for air, I was almost ready to succumb to the depths. As I gave up, a hand grabbed mine. With a weak grip, I held on as I was pulled out of my sea of torment. Though I was shivering with cold and drenched with the ocean’s lingering agony, I was safe from drowning. My parents told me not to go to school the next day. We were going to go eat breakfast and talk about what was going on.
We talked about depression and school over breakfast at this small restaurant. After I had told them everything, they were sure that I had it. I found morbid comfort in hearing that. I felt as if all of my feelings were valid.
Slowly, through therapy and medicine, was I able to start to see the light of day. But still, something was holding me back. Something was still weighing down on me. I’m sure you can guess what it was. Yes, even after the months of therapy, medicine, and even going to a mental hospital, school never got better.
It was a stain upon my life. The idea of online schooling had come up with my therapist. At first, I was scared. I thought that I would fall behind, or that I would become socially isolated, or that I would fall into a deeper depression.
As time went on, I started to consider it more and more. My father looked into it. He went to great pains to find a way to make it work. Thankfully I can now say that it did!
I remember how nice it was when I got the text message from my father telling me to clear out my locker. It was finally over.
Adjusting to a life with no school was strange, but liberating. This leech upon my life was lifted, and I would never suffer public schooling again. Am I being dramatic? Perhaps just a tad, but I really do mean it when I say that school was a detriment to my well-being and growth as a person.
When I left traditional schooling for online schooling, I got a job, socialized, picked up new hobbies, started working towards a business, Learned about money, started investing, and, most importantly, I was happy.
So let’s analyze the factors that contributed to my poor experience with school.
- I was introverted in a system favoring extroverts
- I was constantly tired because I had to wake up so early
- I was quiet and thus, my teachers rarely paid attention to me
- I was depressed
- I was socially anxious
- I felt a lack of purpose in my work
- My growth was inhibited
- I compared myself to others
When I left school, there was a newfound love for life. Something I had never experienced. I learned to love myself. I oftentimes tell people that my life started when I left high school because only then was I ever truly happy.
I think, however, that my success in online schooling is a product of my temperament. I don’t think that it’s for everyone, that’s not the point I’m trying to make here. I think you have to be a certain type of person to thrive in online schooling. Here are some factors that contributed to my success as an online student.
Intrinsic Motivation
An online student needs to find it within themselves to show up. Yes, parents and guardians should hold the student accountable, but an online student will not be successful without that intrinsic motivation.
Ambition
Ambition is imperative to thrive in online schooling. You must have the drive to learn new things. My suggestion is to learn about money. It sounds intimidating but there are tons of resources to make it simple. Pick up new hobbies, get a job, read books on growth and self-improvement.
Your goal is not only to get your schoolwork done but to also find at least one way to better yourself as a person. Please, whatever you do, don’t waste the extra time you get. Invest in yourself. Facilitate growth and knowledge. When you understand this, you soon find that you barely learn crap from school. You develop in ways that your peers cannot when in traditional schooling.
Social Skills
One thing that I learned when I left school, is that even though I’m an introvert, I still love socializing. I developed a love for people and an eagerness to understand and support others. Because of this, I didn’t become a hermit when I left school, I flourished socially. Social skills are so important and you have to find it within yourself to flex those social muscles!
Before You Consider Online Schooling, Ask Yourself Why
You’ve got to ask yourself why. Why is it that you want to be homeschooled? Do you have to wake up too early? Do you learn better alone? are you bullied? Do you have a medical issue? Whatever the reason, make sure that the problem can’t be resolved otherwise.
